This seemingly calm and pleasant week has subtly taught me a lot about fear.
On Thursday night we were asked to participate in a call with the whole staff of Nuru International, fantastic people spread out over numerous continents. Each of the nine new team members (including me) on the ground in Kenya were asked to share in 2 minutes or less why they are passionate about their particular area of expertise or what led them to it. Easy enough, right?
Well, ask me to write you a treatise on quantum mechanics or neurophysiology; ask me to speak about famine in the Horn of Africa, advancements in ecologically sustainable architecture, or the failings of Wall Street; ask me to give my thoughts on the work of Caravaggio or Turner…these things I feel I could do with some degree of focus and ease. But when asked to parse out and briefly summarize the millions of threads of life that were woven together to lead me to this place in my life and this passion in my soul in 120 seconds or less, without confusing or boring people..or sounding trite or cliché, …well, I hit a roadblock.
I tried to suss it out for a bit, then when it seemed too difficult, avoided thinking about it for as long as possible (very out of character for me) then as the hour approached dutifully and painstakingly created a draft, timed myself, and tried it out on colleagues. They assured me sweetly that it was…hmmm…. good…and then after a pause, gave me feedback along the lines of it being more of what you would hear a panelist say at a conference on the importance of international development work and education and that they had expected something a bit more personal.
Personal. I needed to get personal. In two minutes or less. Baring a little corner of my soul. With a room and a Skype conference call full of people I had known for no more than a month or so, but most of whom have known each other for years.
There were technical difficulties at the start of the call and for a few brief fleeting moments, I secretly hoped it might be cancelled and I wouldn’t have to come up with anything at all. Maybe it would be postponed long enough for me to come up with something. Maybe everyone would just get too busy and forget about it….that being said, I have to say I really enjoyed listening to the previous team recount amazing events and accomplishments and learning about the passions and paths of my new teammates… So much so that I forgot to think of something to say. And before I knew it, it was my turn. There was no backing out. I walked to the chair squarely positioned in the middle of my colleagues, facing a computer screen and microphone/speaker that connected us to our colleagues abroad. The coordinator, Doug, asked silly ice breaker questions, which somehow also made me forget to think of something to say. And then it was go-time.
All I remember is thinking, ‘dig deeper….what would I tell a good friend if they asked me this question’…. I pushed aside the fear of judgment, the need to impress new colleagues, the hesitation to open up and be vulnerable. I vaguely remember what it was that I said. Something about my love of learning and of kids. Something else about the resonating impact of education and my childhood experiences learning about poverty and other cultures abroad. I don’t know how long I spoke. It felt like both a millisecond or a lifetime. But despite all that, it just felt right. Not manufactured or practiced. Just the simple truth.
In the past week I had the opportunity to visit six rural impoverished schools. Four we have worked with for some time and two that we have never visited with our program before. It is incredible to see the difference in the children’s attitudes. In the new schools, they were full of fear and uncertainty when we arrived. Though it is illegal, children are constantly and often severely caned if they misbehave , cry, or sometimes if they make mistakes. Teachers here use rote memorization techniques, so the children can memorize and repeat anything (this is both incredible and definitely a survival mechanism for them), but they usually never get the chance to really understand any of the words, ideas, or concepts they are taught. With our team, there is no corporal punishment. As soon as the children begin to wrap their heads around this, the transformation is incredible. At the schools we have worked with for some time, the kids ask more questions, they crowd around the books and instructors, they try without fear of failing or judgment. When we forget our fear of judgment, when we allow ourselves the space to fail…and to succeed, when we go forward without fear of the unknown, when we reach out for new experience eagerly and without hesitation (this reminds me of a great Eleanor Roosevelt quote), this is living, this is how we can progress, this is the hope for the future.
What our team brings to these schools is not only the opportunity to read, learn and understand, but also the confidence to try new things, to make mistakes and learn from them, and to recognize that their thoughts and ideas are important too. The team teaches them, ever so subtly, to love the process of being curious, learning, discovering, and growing.
This week was also my final week with my program counterpart, Lindsey, who will be based in the States throughout my rotation here. She has been here for two rotations and accomplished so very much in that short time. The team and especially the children here remain distraught at her departure. She is as brilliant as she is kind, and I am so honored to have the chance to work with her and learn from her. 
I felt fear creep in again as her departure time approached. I feared being qualified enough to fill her shoes and I felt the fear of the team who have gone through so much difficulty before she arrived, every time a new person was brought in. She had brought them together, helped them resolve major issues, given them fantastic guidance and a real sense of stability, and helped develop the model as it is now. Incredible feats. 
But even as the team and Lindsey (and I) shared a very tearful goodbye, they all made a point to ease my worries and chase away any fear. Incredible things have happened and amazing progress has been made with Lindsey, but 1) we should be comforted by the fact that we will get to continue to work with her as the program continues, and 2) she has set the stage for great work to be done in my time. She has helped to build the team’s trust in me, as well as the community’s.
So here I am, at the beginning of my first full week as the sole mzungu on the Education team, thinking about fear, but also realizing I possess the confidence, commitment, and patience to accomplish anything. In my time here, I hope to help the team get to a place where they can endow all the children we work with those same tools, so they can move forward, grow, learn, create, innovate, succeed, fail…all without fear or in spite of it.
Si ogope.
No comments:
Post a Comment