Down the Rabbit Hole

“So many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.” –Alice, Ch. 1: Down the Rabbit Hole, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Last week’s blog was called Through the Looking Glass, which got me thinking about how much I loved Alice and her Wonderland as a child (and continue to do so now).  Oddly enough, I’ve been asked to recite the Jabberwocky twice in the past few days, which I can still do from memory, despite the twenty-three years that have passed since I read it last. If you’ve never read the Annotated Alice and More Annotated Alice by Martin Gardener, I recommend them.  It was an incredible paradigm shift of thought for me when I was young to see that if you read closely enough or contemplated abstractly enough, you could find deep and profound logic, philosophy, and advanced mathematics behind all of the apparent nonsense in Wonderland.  Order beneath the chaos. I would expect no less from the Dean of Mathematics at Oxford.

I’ll admit (and this can be verified by my sister and parents) that when I was very young, I had a little mustard yellow suitcase.  (This may not sound like much of an embarrassing confession, but just you wait.) It was my grandmother’s.  She died shortly after I turned six.  How I loved that little suitcase.  As soon as I got my hands on it, I filled it with a tiny set of old binoculars I found at her house,  a compass, a little first aid kit, a tinder box, an MRE (my dad used to give us these as kids) and a little old school camera that I don’t think even worked (but that, in my mind, was the great mistake of all those who went down the rabbit holes, through the looking glass or out the back of wardrobes, they never came back with incontrovertible photographic evidence).  I also carried detailed maps of Middle Earth, Narnia, Tatooine, the moon of Endor, and Krynn (if you get that last one, you get an instant award of 1,000 mega-nerd points). You know.  Just to be prepared.  I wandered around the pasture at my grandma’s farm, scoured the woods behind our house, checked every corner of our home and backyard, behind the toolshed, through the grandfather clock, down in grandma's basement... trying to find some tear in the space-time continuum, some gateway to the adventure that was waiting just for me. My lion, my witch, and my wardrobe.  My white rabbit with a waistcoat and pocketwatch. 

I don’t want to disappoint any kids out there, but I haven’t found a rip in our dimensional plane to another world  just yet.  That is certainly not to say I've given up trying.  What I have found in the meantime is quite different, but no less full of adventure. The same wanderlust and determination to seek out new worlds never left me, and it has allowed me time and again to board that plane to goodness knows where, to enroll in universities thousands of miles from everyone I know, take jobs in remote corners of the world.  The thirst to see it all, touch it, taste it, understand it so intimately.  Through a deep understanding, I come to love places, people, and organizations, even if there are things I don’t like about them.  Understanding something intimately is taking the time to get to know its virtues and vices, recognizing them, naming them, and only then can one find the balance between how much to accept without question and how much to try to help, improve, or change.

The last white rabbit could have led me down so many paths.  There were jobs and opportunities that varied so greatly it was difficult to see how they could all be lying before the same person.  But the white rabbit I followed led me here via a flight to Nairobi and an eight hour bus ride to what could be deemed the middle of nowhere.  To me, it is the center of the universe.

Now to see how this place can be so very like Wonderland.  It is a striking, strange, and beautiful place full of fantastic characters.  Elements of it can be frightening, but with kind friends and a bit of smarts, it is an enthralling adventure daily.  But what makes it most like Wonderland is that the primary parts so seldom make sense, which was always so frustrating and enthralling to me when reading the story.  What always amazed me about Wonderland was the idea of how to adapt to a world where people speak one thing and mean another or speak so much nonsense that you can’t seem to make heads nor tails of anyone or anything.  I have never been one for people who say one thing and do another, nor those who talk the talk without any hope of ever walking the walk.

“The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, 'Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

'Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. 'I'm glad they've begun asking riddles. — I believe I can guess that,' she added aloud.

'Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said the March Hare.

'Exactly so,' said Alice.

'Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

'I do,' Alice hastily replied; 'at least — at least I mean what I say — that's the same thing, you know.'

'Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. 'You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, 'that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, 'that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

'It is the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn't much.” – Ch. 7: A Mad Tea-Party, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

There is a fascinating sort of dichotomy here.  I could not have asked for a better Kenyan team; they drive and inspire me every day.  I could not have asked for a better counterpart in the United States; she also inspires me, supports me, and through her (I'm not exaggerating) brilliance allows me to learn and develop both personally and professionally.  I love the students and many of the teachers I meet.  I love having lunch or taking chai, spending time with my friends in community.  I live with a fantastic team.  There are eight of nine here that are fully committed to respecting, supporting, and encouraging one another.  Even the ninth is not a terrible person by any means (in another world I would probably grab a beer with him, but working together again...out of the question), just trying to fit into a role he is completely and utterly wrong for in every possible way, which has proven excessively trying for all involved.  And those who claim they take no nonsense and remove people from positions for which they are unfit, refuse to do just that. And so begins the other half of the dichotomy.  Pure frustration and a sense that no matter what we say, how many people say it, nor how many times, though we may all be in agreement with one another, we lack the power to enact any of the changes we deem necessary and are overlooked by those that possess it.

Whether as new to this project as myself or having been on the early foundation teams, the pervasiveness of this disheartened feeling is overwhelming at times.  I want to believe this is a phase, an org struggling through a growth spurt and trying to get its feet right again, but I will admit, I have honestly never felt more undervalued or disempowered.  I am no expert by any means, but I work hard and have years of study, experience, and commitment to this work which have been pushed to the wayside.  I am asked to play the part of a cog in a machine, a role I have never before played and am not about to start.  When people speak up about issues, they are made to feel that they are not team players, they are the problem children, they lack humility.  If I did not care deeply for this organization and the people that it serves, it might be easy to be quiet and complacent, to watch irreversible mistakes be made, to stand by as the faith of the staff and the community in which we live is undermined.  The thing I appreciate the least is this odd sensation I have been trying to figure out for weeks: that I and others are constantly and quickly labeled as things we are not and anytime we try to speak out, we are reminded of those false labels.  I accepted a request on LinkedIn the other day and it helped me to parse out this idea.  When I saw the comments on my page and read what people had written about me and the caliber of my character and work over the years at challenging and well-respected organizations, it reminded me of who I really am, how I am really perceived.

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.' – Alice, Ch. 5: Advice from a Caterpillar, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

My counterpart in the US said something to me the other day, which I considered extremely kind.  She said, 'you could be working anywhere'.  Now, I sometimes think back on the week I had the choice before me of being a Deputy Director at the UN in DC or taking an unpaid fellowship in remote rural Kenya.  My sister, my parents, everyone…just guess what they advised me to choose.  But I was so certain this was the path I needed to take.  I still don’t doubt or regret that choice.  If I were sitting in that (beautiful, sun-kissed) office (with the big windows overlooking Dupont Circle), I know I would be longingly wishing I were exactly where I am right now.  I do love it here and I do love this work and these people more than I can say.  My only frustration is that some of those who are meant to lead, listen to, and support us…to make our lives easier during our stint in the field, are the very people who often make this life and decision exceedingly challenging. But for my team and my predecessor, and with their inspiration and support, I will continue to give it all I have and see what comes of it.

I love living within this community, knowing the people well, learning from them, sharing our lives with one another.  If Alice had only known such people in Wonderland, she may never have been tempted to awaken next to that babbling brook.  So, my rabbit hole didn’t lead me to Wonderland or Rivendell or Narnia.  I am quite content with where I’ve landed no less.   What awaits me after June 30th, I've not an inkling just yet.  If only metaphorically, I will always be that little girl with the little yellow suitcase packed and at the ready for whatever path I manage to stumble upon next.

'I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.' – Ch. 10: The Lobster Quadrille

** Just an added note:  I was just chatting with a friend about this post and I'd forgotten another example of how senseless this world can be.  We lost a fourth grader this week from Nyametaburo Primary school who was 'accidentally' caned to death by his father.  I can't even begin to express my disgust and the depth of my sadness.